Friday, May 28, 2010

Mother Issues

Today I realized that another reason for Ela's clinginess is the need for me to clean the last bits and pieces that need to be cleaned concerning my relationship with my mom.

Normally I never go anywhere with her, just seeing her in the evenings and maybe having one or two not too long chats about general stuff...nothing really personal.

We never had a very close mother-daughter relationship and it improved only when I finally moved out at the age of 22 after huge discussions and even fights.

But this week I had to take her with me most of the time since I didn't want to leave Ela alone in the seat at the back since she was so fussy. And there were some moments where I really had to take a deep breath not to be annoyed or angry with her...and for the first time I kind of managed to control least I didn't react to any of those annoying actions/words/behavior. That's who she is and I have to respect that...nobody has to act according to my desires...she's doing the best she can and acts only out of love basically. I guess her role is to teach me that people no matter how close can have different world views, backgrounds, expectations, beliefs, desires and goals and still love each other very much without arguing over every single conflict of opinion.

I'm glad I finally managed to show this kind of respect.

The last time I saw her last year when she stayed with me after Ela arrived we had an argument before she left and I got rid of the final burdens that were left from my childhood and adolescence...and we needed more than a year to digest this "freeing".

I love you mom. I always did. Thank you for being there for me. I honor and respect you. Thank you for being a great grandma to Ela.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Today's energies

This evening I suddenly had the feeling of a huge change/shift taking place. A voice in my head (or was it outside???) told me I won't be the same person from now on...
Then I read that it's a day of new beginnings according to the Tzolkin (Mayan) Calendar. The start of another 260-day-cycle...
My last few days forced me to be very spontaneous which isn't always easy for an organized person like me who likes to plan every single detail in advance. But I guess this is another quality Ela taught me apart from being able to live in the present moment. My initial plan for our Ist. trip was totally different but it has turned into the most inspiring visit ever. Every day I'm meeting some friends who inspire me, teach me, enlighten me and raise me in some way and vice versa. Never have I been so social during a visit, it feels like I had to meet these people right now and some energy exchange had to take place. I'm so grateful for that.
Thank you friends, thank you Istanbul, thank you Ela...

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Beautiful Day...

First thing in the morning Ela and I went to the Yesilkoy bazaar and I really I mean REALLY satisfied my urge to shop :)) Fantastic stuff and great prices...Ela slept for 1.5 hours so I was kind of free to look around but it would have been much easier w/o her of course...but still...I bought everything I had in mind...and more ;))

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

A traumatized ultra clingy Ela...

Yesterday was our first day in Istanbul and my plan was to leave Ela with my parents and meet my brother Tancan and cousin Hanife at Kanyon. I left home at noon time and had a wonderful lunch with Hanife at House Cafe; it was one of those really inspiring and energy-raising meetings...sharing similar feelings and ideas, being on the same level, having similar (spiritual) goals for the future and most importantly "speaking the same language"...Hanife is also very interested in Quantum Thinking and is currently attending a course on holistic learning (would also like to learn more about this subject and left brain/right brain practices).
Then Tancan joined us and after a short chat gave us a tour of his working place MAC, a very fancy and big sports center at Kanyon. Hanife and I esp. loved NuSpa! I really hope to have the chance of getting one of those amazing massages there before we leave..
At around 4pm my phone rang and a very desperate voice told me that Ela had been very cranky after she had woken up from her afternoon nap at 3pm and nothing they did could calm her down. She had crawled to all the rooms in the apartment and when she had realized I wasn't there she had started to cry non-stop. Hanife and I rushed home and when I had her in my arms half an hour later she was still shaking from all the crying :( We grabbed her and went to a nearby Starbucks and met another cousin there. Very quickly Ela was back to normal...smiling and playing around...but as soon as we were back home she didn't let go of me for a second. I couldn't even go to the toilet...she thought I'd leave her again when I put her down. At bath time she was fine again, then nursing and sleeping were also no prob...night sleep was also same same...waking up 2-3 times because of a runny and blocked nose due to teething and probably also separation anxiety. She woke up normal and I thought she was over it.
I was so wrong.
I decided to take mom and Ela with me today...heading straight to a shopping mall to buy a car seat for her so that traveling wouldn't be a prob since obviously I wasn't able to leave her anymore. But the car ride turned into a huge disaster! She was screaming on my mom's lap at the back...I couldn't believe it...she was seeing me but still thought I could jump out of the car any minute and leave her alone :o
And then at the shopping mall she had a long nap and when she woke up yesterday's clingy/sticky Ela was back! Like a koala holding tight on me...not even allowing me to try on while (trying to) do some shopping. And since the ride back home started with another crisis my mom offered to drive (although her German driving licence not valid here and she not very comfortable to drive in Ist.) . But sitting next to Ela at the back wasn't enough! She refused to sit in the seat and insisted on climbing on my the car seat was unfortunately not the solution to the problem :(
Tomorrow I want to go the bazaar in Yesilkoy...I'll ask my dad to drive us there early in the morning..then we will meet a new friend I made via Nurturia.
I'm hoping for a calmed down Ela tomorrow morning...
I think it was just too much of everything for her, teething, traveling, new place, unfamiliar people, disappearing mom, blocked nose, hot weather,...

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Back home

Finally, back home in Istanbul. After 13 months of separation...never had I stayed away for so long. Every time we approach the airport and I see the city from above I get sentimental...asking myself when it will be our last landing, when we will come back for good.
Not that I have any negative feelings concerning Izmir (anymore)...(not that I have too many positive ones either :)))
I'm happy about my current life because I have wonderful friends who've become my second family, I'm happy because life in Alsancak is easy with a baby, I'm happy because we can spend the summer in Cesme which will be nice for Ela, I'm happy because Alper is happy to be able to walk to work/to the gym/to his friends'...
But frankly speaking I don't think I will ever reach a point where I'll say I'm happy to be in Izmir. I know that there's a reason why I'm living there at the moment...although maybe I will never find out why. From a spiritual point, it's said that we need to be in certain places at certain times 1) to raise our energies, i.e. to absorb the energy of the place which in my case would probably be absorbing Izmir's female energy 2) to raise the energy of the place with our lights and frequencies (sounds a bit big headed, I know, but makes one feel good :))
BTW, our flight couldn't haved been better...Ela fell asleep while nursing her during take off and she slept through the whole flight (which is not a very long one anyway..)
It was nice to spend some time at the airport again after a long time. Traveling in general and staying in hotels had become a huge burden for me during my last few years at Pearson, but airports have always been my favorite place. I love the constant traffic of people, all have their own stories, their own reasons to be there at that point. All kinds of people, coming from different places, going to different places. No real concept of time...constant movement.
I guess that's what I love; movement and action 24/7.
Aha...I guess that's why I couldn't get used to's not really a "moving" city...and definitely not 24/7! Just to give a little example; I wanted to go to a hairdresser this morning before leaving but couldn't find one single open place because it's a Sunday. And these "little" things unfortunately happen all the time. Everybody is very is not equal professionalism. (I should stop complaining right now!)
Anyways...I'm very happy. Everything is perfect as it is.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Traveling with a baby

I used to be a packing pro when I was working at Pearson and had to travel 5 times a month.
I calculated everything carefully and never took more than really necessary. My luggage was always the smallest and lightest.
But packing for a baby is so out of my league!
There are so many things to consider; what if the weather gets cold? What if the weather gets hot? What if we need to change her clothes 3 times a day? We don't want to bother with washing of course. Do I need bodies for everyday? OMG, the towels are so heavy, should I buy some there and leave them at my parents'? Do I need more long-sleeved shirts or short-sleeved? Shoud I take the nose aspirator with me?
Speaking of aspirators...Ela has had a very runny nose since Tue and although I was pretty sure that it was a teething symptom I took her to her pediatrician today since she coughed a few times in the morning and I wasn't sure if it sounded a bit strange and maybe could turn into serious. I felt a bit weird to be honest since I normally would never run to a doc because of a runny nose but since we're flying on Sunday I wanted to be sure that she's fine and flying won't do her any harm.
But I was was just another teething symptom...four new teeth are about to pop out. Poor girl. It must be quite hurtful.
Anyways, we're ready to travel now...our bags are more or less prepared (Ela's bag is twice the size as mine!) day left ;))

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Current Energies...

The last few days have been very powerful for me...energywise I mean...the feeling of another big shift...another huge change...another bright light approaching.
Most spiritual "teachers" say that May 2010 is about releasing old energies, letting go of any negative feelings and emotions related to the past, adapting to the new concept of time and space, basically clearing the mind to get ready for the new world and most importantly deciding on real desires and goals. What do we really want in our 'new' lives? This question needs to be answered now...
The coming 6 weeks are said to be very important in terms of finally getting rid of old issues and knowing what kind of life we want in the future.
While trying to clear past issues, people you haven't seen in a long time might suddenly show up out of nowhere (happened to me a lot lately), or you might dream of them...
You might be faced with situations you had to deal with before but weren't able to's the time to do that.
I'm sure it's no coincidence that I'll be spending the last week of May (which is said to be the most intense one) in Istanbul...

Monday, May 17, 2010

Potential Biting Problem

I was lying on the floor, Ela was sitting next to me playing with her toys...suddenly I felt sharp pain in my stomach; Ela had bitten me just like that :o
I know that she bites when she gets angry...either me, herself, or anything she can find..sometimes she also bites out of joy...or for no reason like yesterday.
I read that babies tend to bite since they can't speak and therefore are not able to express their feelings (esp. anger) with words. Does that mean she'll stop biting as soon as she begins to speak?
I hope so.

Hot hot hot's been so hot in Izmir for the last few days...I can't believe I couldn't sleep for the last 2 nights because it was so hot in the middle of May?!?!?!?
What else?
I'm preparing for Istanbul :)))))
We are flying on Sunday (at last!)
I already made a full program for the whole week...Ela will stay with my parents...and I will meet friends, visit my favorite spots, do some shopping and enjoy, enjoy, enjoy every single moment.
I love Istanbul.
I thought I was over it...I thought I had finally managed to like the idea of living in Izmir...thanks to my lovely friends I wasn't missing Istanbul too much...I thought.
But one simple sentence I read in a magazine today almost made my eyes wet...a young actress was writing about her trip to Greece and how much she had liked it ...but her last sentence went like 'but the best part of the trip was to come back to my beautiful Istanbul...'
How long is my trip going to last? When will I go back to my beautiful Istanbul?
I'm so not over it.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Nonviolent Communication (NVC)

I first heard about NVC from Eva...back then I didn't examine it in detail.. Now I'd like to read M. Rosenberg's books. Will try to find them in Istanbul.

Happy Day!

Did I mention that I'm not a huge fan of special days? Why did I get sentimental then because we spent most of Mother's Day alone with Ela??? Motherly hormones maybe? I was surprised about this rather unusual feeling of sensitivity..
When Alper told me yesterday he would go with his brother and parents to Cesme to look at the house we had decided we could rent I didn't mind at all. But when we went out with Ela for a walk I realized that I was probably the only mom walking around alone with her child :s
This feeling didn't last for too long though..I grabbed myself the latest edition of Vogue and went to Starbucks to have my usual decaf Espr. Frappuccino while Ela was sleeping. That was good enough.
Anyways, my first Mom's Day is almost over and at least we finally have our summer house now! It's a nice three-storey house in Ciftlikkoy which is located on the South West Coast of Cesme and is part of a private compound w/swimming pool and beach. My in-laws will spent the whole summer there and we are going to join them at weekends. The best thing though is that we have our own attic flat with a terrace with sea view :-))
I guess I will be spending my evenings at this terrace reading something after putting Ela to sleep. Not that I'm asocial or something...I'm just worried that I won't be able to hear if Ela should cry ;)))) ...

Here's the view from the house:

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Bleeding lip...

We started the day with a not-so-nice incident; Ela pulled herself up a little table in her room and at some point her feet must have slipped and she banged her mouth against the edge of the table which caused her upper teeth to cut her lower lip and as if that hadn't been enough she fell backwards quite fast and hit her head, too. Of course, she cried a lot...not too hysterically but louder than normal...then Alper came and she calmed down. When I handed her to him I saw that there was a big red spot on my shirt...from Ela's first bleeding experience. Now it looks like we had her lower lip enhanced...very sexy :p
I don't know if that increased her clingingness which has been present anyway for the last few days..and on top of that I think she's also it's not hard to guess that it was a challenging day today :o
Luckily, her morning nap lasted 2 hrs and the afternoon one another full hour.
Now she's fast asleep. I love the evenings.

Here're some pictures from Nihan's Birthday Party which was yesterday...she's such a wonderful host...everything was so tasteful and nice as usual. Every time we meet I can feel how our energy levels are raised. I love my friends.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

A few updates...

- Ela's new favorite activity: climbing up the sofa and trying to 'walk' sideways and squeaking out of joy while doing that as can be seen in the pix :)

- Her appetite is back again...not that she eats huge amounts but at least she doesn't turn her head away after the first spoon of veggies...she's very much like me in fact; loves breakfast (whole grain meal, fruit, oatmeal), could eat bread all the time, enjoys fruits and snacks like cookies, cheese muffins and also cheese alone but doesn't like meat very much...that's why I actually mix sometimes apples or pears with chicken...I know that "experts" don't recommend that but I really don't care...I want her to get the iron...basta!
- The diarrhea is gone..her popo is nice and soft again :) probably was a teething symptom.
- We still couldn't find a place in Cesme...the rents they ask for really don't make sense...thousands of Liras for crap...I'm sure we will eventually find a nice house which is also affordable...maybe this weekend?
- Meryem had her baby girl today! Congratssssss