Friday, July 16, 2010

Why do we argue with each other?

It seems so right to defend yourself and try to make your point when you think you're a hundred percent 'right'. You wonder how the other person just can't see the 'truth' and insists on his own (obviously wrong) view.
But who decides what's 'right'. And what exactly is 'wrong'?
I always had a problem with concepts like right/wrong, normal/abnormal, correct/incorrect, and my absolute favorite appropriate/inappropriate...
Who the hell decides what is what???
I might be so wrong, abnormal, incorrect and inappropriate and still think I'm right, normal, correct and appropriate.
When put like that, arguing about doesn't really make sense, does it?
One of the turning points in my life concerning this matter, that is having arguments or even fights esp. with family or partner, was when my dear Eva told me about Byron Katie's 'The Work' a few years ago. And the other day another dear friend Isla reminded me of it at a very 'right' time in fact since the last few weeks probably due to the many eclipses and this Grand Cross Alignment thing had been a bit tense and tough. Apparently because we were tested if we were able to keep our calm and stay centered even in stressful situations and also because we had to get rid of the last remains of past issues and attachments.
Byron Katie taught me that when somebody makes me mad it's me who decides to get mad in the first place. Nobody has to act according to my desires and therefore if I don't like something about someone it's my problem, not the other person's. And when I applied the The Work Process and asked the 4 questions I usually realized that I was angry at myself most of the time and just reflected this anger in other people who happened to be kind of available and relevant at that time. I also felt so light and relieved when I decided to let that negative feeling go without having to make my point, prove that I'm so right and have an argument or fight.
Today I had the chance again to apply it when I was about to get mad at Alper because in my opinion he didn't appreciate my efforts to manage to do everything on my own at home while at the same time raising a baby and didn't thank me for various (quite little) things but just took them for granted and kind of expected everything to be perfect. I esp. focused on the thought 'you don't thank me for the things I do for you' and soon realized that this kind of expectation was actually not reasonable since I had been the one who had decided to deal with everything on my own and never or very very rarely had asked for help or support. In fact, this 'not-asking-for-help but nevertheless-why-don't-you-help-or-at-least-appreciate kind of thought is exactly how my mother used to think and I so hated that!
I've been realizing lately that some negative features of my mom that I truly disliked when I was a child are somehow making their way into my mind and I find myself talking or behaving like her. I've been working on this since I know that that's not me...I guess this happened because I needed to show understanding for her and relate to how she used to feel back then. During this process I also had the chance to work on being less judgemental.
Thank you Byron Katie.

Tomorrow is time for Cesme again...and on Monday we will finally head off to Marmaris. I'm prepared for both trips and look forward to our first real holiday with Ela.


  1. Dear lovely Janset,
    Thank you for your honesty and insights. This is a very good reminder for me too. I recently read a parenting book and the author also used a lot of methods from "The Work".
    Have a nice weekend in Cesme and a gorgeous time in Marmaris.
    Love from Eva

  2. Vielen Dank meine Liebe...will be thinking of you.
    Love & light from Jan