Friday, February 25, 2011

Did anyone see me do that?

Two weeks ago I had this strange experience of suddenly feeling sick and having to vomit almost every half an first attacks came when I was with my boss and one of them was extremely disturbing (right in the cab).
I thought a lot about why I had lived such an experience, because when I started to feel bad I was thinking about excusing myself, but somehow just didn't do it. Why?
And afterwards I thought to myself, "If this had happened a few years ago I would have felt soooo ashamed and bad and so small...
But now, I simply felt nothing. Zero.
Then I read yesterday which made me smile and understand...

Did Anyone See Me Do Thatby Jennifer Hofman

If you're one of my Facebook fans, you read my post a few days ago in which I described a funny incident that happened to me. I had gone to the gas station to fill my car and then went inside the kiosk to get a cup of coffee. As I walked out of the kiosk, I was thinking about what I was going to do when I got home, the calls I had to make, and about how much I had to do in the rest of the day. I walked to my car, opened the door, started to get in and stopped.
There was something wrong with the floor mats, which were plastic (I remembered that mine were gray carpet). So I looked up towards the steering column and it didn't look right-I thought mine was dark gray and this one was black. I started to look around and met the eyes of a woman who was staring at me. There was definitely something wrong here, no one was sitting in my car when I had left it parked in front of the kiosk. I felt like I had just stepped into the twilight zone.
Just then I heard a voice ask me if I needed something. I turned to see a man holding a cup of coffee, just like mine, standing next to me, holding a set of car keys in his hand. I'm sure I looked as confused as I felt so I said that I thought someone was at the wrong car. Then I looked around and saw my car, parked next to his, which was the same make, model and color as mine. We laughed, he got in his car and I went to mine. When I opened the door I saw the familiar floor mats, everything looked the same and there was no one sitting in the passenger seat.
When I posted this incident on my facebook page many people wrote to say that they had done similar things and one of the comments that was shared was 'I hope no one saw me do that.' One woman had done this at the grocery store, put her groceries in the car, sat down and tried to start the car but the key wouldn't work so she knew that something was wrong. She said that she quietly got out of the car, took her groceries and went to find her own car, hoping that no one had seen her.
I know that the reason I had walked to the wrong car because I was so distracted-but from the outside it looked just like mine. I had even noticed the shiny Nissan emblem on the front grill because I had to replace mine a few months ago. Distractions aside, as I was looking inside the car, I could not see anything that looked familiar and I was so confused that it did not dawn on me that I was at the wrong car. I had never done that before and because nothing felt familiar, I could not think, gather my thoughts or find another reason for this.
Finding ourselves in unfamiliar territory, as we are now, can do that to us. We can find anything that looks like we think it should so we're confused, unable to think and spend time looking for what is comfortable and the same. We have to get over the confusion before we can find new options. But there is something that stops us, which was pointed out by the facebook comments.
Doing something that we believe makes us appear foolish brings up our many fears related to what others will think of us. Will they think we're stupid, doing something strange, will they question our judgment, intelligence or sanity? With these thoughts we shame ourselves and then we're blocked from pursuing other options because our energy is focused on trying to resolve the shame instead of simply moving ahead. We try so hard to be competent, successful adults but do so by not being incompetent and unsuccessful, based on what others think. And this interferes with everything we do. Beyond that, our preoccupation with others' opinions blinds us to the messages we may be receiving.
If what others think of us is so important to us we make every decision through a 'what if' filter. What if they think I'm stupid, incompetent, incapable, etc.? By trying to avoid shame we use the fear or possibility of shame to push ourselves into a very narrow path so everything we do is beyond reproach. But there are two things that we can't avoid. First, everyone will have their own opinion of us and of what we do and we have no control over that. Second, everyone has their own shame issues that they are dealing with and those who we think shame us are actually reacting and/or responding from their own shame. But when we're in this shame cycle, we attract the shame we are trying to avoid and until we release our fear of shame, all of our decisions and choices will be filtered through it.
While getting into the wrong car is a funny and innocent act and fixing it was easy, other things are not quite so innocent or easy to fix. But the bigger picture here is when we are in this shame cycle, everything we do is affected by its energy. So with every decision and choice we look at all of the people in our lives and ask 'what will they think', 'did they see me do that', 'what are they going to say' and this robs us of our confidence and slows down our momentum. When we second guess every decision, we have trouble making any decisions, big or small, important or unimportant.
The question is, does it matter what anyone thinks of us? Is it really that important because our lives are ours to live, our lessons are ours to learn and while others may participate in them, we are the ones who must cross that finish line by ourselves. To see whether you are using the shame filter in your life, do a self check by asking some simple yet important questions:
Is there someone in your life you try to impress?
Does it matter to you what this person, or others, think about you and what you do?
Is it so important to you that you spend time second guessing yourself to ensure that you do not do anything shameful (in their eyes)?
Are you missing the messages and meaning that may be answers to your questions or the guidance you have been asking for because you are more focused on not being shamed, rather than being open to your own soul's growth?
Then don't despair because you are at an important crossroads where you can change your thinking. In fact, as you are called to new ways of being, your thinking has to change because you may do things that are out of character or habit for you. Making big life changes will cause others to question your motives, judgment and perhaps your sanity. Releasing your shame issues and cycles is an important part of that process if you are to make choices that are right and best for you, no matter what anyone else thinks of them. And you will be seeing every situation with a level of clarity that will allow you to see the meaning and messages that are your special gift.
Remember who is the important person in your life - you - and who is living and learning your lessons - you are - and who ultimately has to cross that finish line, you do. You can do that with your head held high, knowing you have done your best, or looking around, wondering if anyone saw you do that. (And I'm sure I gave that man and his wife a good laugh, which they may have needed).

Friday, February 18, 2011

Good Books, Good Times!

Ela chose an English book tonight at bedtime (very appropriate since today was her Studio English class :p), and below is the poem I read to her (just half of it, of course, till she decided to explore the rest of the book...)
I guess I liked it more than she did.

It's a poem by Lee Bennett Hopkins from the book Reading Street (which I used to promote at Pearson Ed.)

Good Books.
Good times.
Good stories.
Good rhymes.
Good beginnings.
Good ends.
Good people.
Good friends.
Good fiction.
Good facts.
Good adventures.
Good acts.
Good stories.
Good rhymes.
Good books.
Good times.

Bye Bye TV

Last week, when both Ela and I were a little sick, I decided to be more relaxed with Ela watching a little bit of TV during the day although my initial plan was to wait till she's at least 2 or so. But her attitude and behavior has changed so much till then that no matter if there really is a connection or not I decided to stick to my initial plan for now. I know, it might be a coincidence, but her tantrum-like behavior, constant wake-ups at night and aggressiveness in general, forced me to take some sort of action and the only change that occured in her life is actually having watched TV. And I must say, that yesterday, her first TV-free day, she was much more herself, calmer and less aggressive, with no tantrums and better sleeping patterns.

Instead, she finally decided to like coloring & painting; she was obviously waiting for a paint brush...stupid Mama!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Human Unconsciousness

I'm currently doing some quantum practice with somebody and was therefore skimming through Tolle's 'A New Earth' to refresh my memory on ego-work with his wonderful examples. I'd like to share the following:

There is only one perpetrator of evil on the planet: human unconsciousness. That realization is true forgiveness. With forgiveness, your victim identity dissolves, and your true power emerges - the power of Presence. Instead of blaming the darkness, you bring in the light.

The current energies all point to the direction of balancing the masculine and feminine elements in everything/everyone. This has been going on for a very looong time but now the deadline  is approaching. You have to find a way to truly balance the two, otherwise struggle and pain are inevitable.

To give you an idea, how you might do that, I'd like to share first the qualities of each (these are quite obvious, of course, but sometimes one needs a reminder :p) and secondly a little practice, that is, affirmation to create balance.

Masculine/Male/Animus Elements:

- Toughness
- Leadership
- Power
- Decisiveness
- Patience / Determination
- Strength
- Reason/Senses/Intellect
- Abstract Thought

Feminine/Female/Anima Elements:

- Softness
- Warmth
- Compassion
- Mercy
- Grace
- Order / Constructiveness
- Fertility
- Senses
- Intelligence

I accept and embrace the masculine and feminine elements of my soul as a whole."

Have a blissful and balanced day!

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Marmorkuchen Recipe (Marble Cake)

To Eva and D. with love...

3 eggs
1 pack. vanilin sugar
250 gr sugar
250 gr margarine
1 pack. baking powder
400 gr flour
1/4 milk (or as much as you need to make the dough softer)
50 gr cacao (I usually use more since I like the cacao part to be dark and rich)

*grease the cake pan, mix eggs, vanilin, sugar and margarine (I usually melt the margarine before) till it becomes a soft and smooth dough, then mix the flour with baking powder and slowly add to dough, add milk to soften dough again, pour most of the dough (2/3) into the cake pan and add cacao to the rest of it, mix well and pour it into the cake pan, too. Put into oven at 160-175'degrees (whatever your usual baking degree is) and after 15 min use a knife to make a straight line into the middle of the cake, it should be ready in 50-60 min but check with a toothpick before taking out.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Nice Things About Being Sick

- Husband staying at home to look after Ela. Jan lying and sleeping on sofa all day long.
- In my case, losing at least 2kgs in just one day.
- Being relaxed and not bothering at all about untidy kitchen, toys spread all over living room, no food being cooked but instead just ordered in, TV being open for hours,....
- Having an excuse to work less (still couldn't totally stay away from Outlook)
- Preparing Ela for bed earlier and being free at 7:40pm.
- Finding time to read.
- Just rest, rest, rest for a change.

A rather tasteless story

Yesterday I had a meeting with my boss and we were planning to attend a meeting together very close to the office. While speaking to her I had a herbal tea and started to feel slightly sick afterwards, but didn't really think it was anything serious so we left the building and took a cab. The assistant manager was also with us. Half-way I suddenly felt so sick that before I could understand what happened I was vomiting right into the cab and myself of course. Very, very bad and ugly.
Anyways, I cleaned myself and felt actually good enough to continue. What a wrong decision that was.
We arrived, the meeting started and after 10 min I had the same strange feeling again. We were meeting a young lady and a man, I told the lady I urgently needed to visit the loo and although she was very prompt the fact that their toilet had a special key and that it took their security guy ages to find it made me almost throw up on the toilet door. Luckily, I made it.
I returned, sat there for another 10 min. and when my boss realized I wasn't in a very good condition she said I could leave if I want since the meeting was far from over. I could have kissed her.
On my way down the strange feeling started again, I threw myself out of the building and had a last act of vomiting in the middle of Kordon. How nice.
Ela was with Alper in the office and when I told him what happened he said I should go straight home.
There, I had another crisis every 30 min. and felt weaker and weaker due to dehydration. Couldn't eat or drink anything.
All this was very interesting for me when I watched myself from the outside. It happened for the first time in my life and I hadn't been sick for a long time, in general.
My quantum mind started to work immediately, of course :p
And then I remembered I had read recently. Steve Rother's latest message that was talking about less water consumption and less need for fluids in general. Was my body just trying to get rid of the waste negative remains that the water in my body were carrying?
I also wasn't able to drink a lot of water lately, for instance.
I don't know. Today I feel better, just weak of course.
BTW, here's the article.
I wish everybody healthy days!

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

To drink or not to drink coffee

I didn't like coffee as a teenager, at least not the dark filter coffee my mom used to have in Germany. But then I discovered the Lattes and Cappucinos and Macchiatos and Frappucinos and couldn't have enough of them.
I stopped to drink coffee during pregnancy and the first few months after Ela arrived. And that was ok. I didn't crave and didn't find it difficult at all. Then I started again, though with lighter and decaf versions...
But for the last few weeks I've been feeling sick after drinking more than one cup per day and somehow had the urge to reduce my coffee consumption which I actually did by drinking more herbal teas and Chai Tea Latte at Starbucks, for instance.
And then I met my dear friend Alexandra last week who gave me the final push by telling me about a recent article she read about coffee which you can read here.
I guess I heard what I wanted to hear. I was looking for a "reasonable" reason to drink less coffee and there it was. Right or wrong....I don't care...I know there are hundred of other articles that claim the opposite and tell about how healthy coffee can be.
Maybe I should try and find organic coffee?

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Backe, backe Kuchen...

Sunday mornings I'm trying to spend some fun time in the kitchen with Ela, letting her play with ingredients, baking things and enjoying the nice smell.
I'd like her to remember this smell later...
She's kind of hesitant with new things though, and doesn't like to make a mess...she also asks me to clean her fingers every single time she dips her fingers in finger paint, for instance.
I really hope she's not gonna be hygiene obsessed!

very, very careful...

that's gonna be quite salty!

Ela's favorite cheese muffins

Mama's favorite 'Marmorkuchen'

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Akashic Records for February '11 (by Jen Eramith MA)

What energies and experiences can we expect in February 2011?

Click here to find out...

Tuesday, February 1, 2011


Wow...time's really flying. Already the second month of 2011 :o
Here're the  Feb. astrological energies:

And here's Ela on the first day of the new month :)